Longing

Did you think of me today? Hope so. Cos I did...

Closer

If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking.

I just watched the movie Closer. It’s a brilliant movie I tell you. Anyone who'’s ever had their hearts broken in a relationship or anyone who’s ever been in a rough patch because of their partners should watch it.

In it the protagonists fall in love at first sight. The film documents their search for love and at the end I left the cinema with a feeling that there is nothing such as perfect love. They are also determined to be completely truthful with each other, often with dire consequences.

It was so good because of a combination of an excellent script, wonderful artistic direction and of course, talented actors. Cigarettes were used to represent the telling of lies. The expressions of the actors captured to denote guilt. The understanding of the human nature portrayed by the script. The way the story bounced back and forth and you did not feel lost. Brilliant.

I must go out and buy the DVD. And watch it again.

I left the cinema feeling very emotive, very deep in thought. It left me with so many provoked emotions. I have not seen such a good movie in such a long time. Can’t remember the last one that made me feel this way.

It was that good.

Oh, and it had Natalie Portman in her smalls. That helped too. Haha.

Read more about it...

Only for the Rich

$5000 for illegal parking? Only happens in SICC land... haha.. any less and its small change for people who have memberships there.

View From the Top

The view from the top. Notice the HDB blocks in the background. Sigh... we are never far from civilisation.

Self Portrait

Me and my one-handed shot

Big Bug

Saw a mutha-freaking HUGE millipede on the ground. Would have stepped on it if not for Gavin spotting it.

Cousins?

Well, at least we saw mammals. Saw a troupe of monkeys on the way in.

Treetop Walk

Gavin spent the night at my place as we decided to do the HSBC Treetop Walk the next day. It’s a bridge in the Central Nature Reserve suspended 60 feet above the ground and supposed to take you to treetop level of the secondary forest. It took 2 hours at a leisurely pace and I couldn’t complain about the weather, the view from the bridge, and the lack of mosquitos. (which is ironic cos I’m being maraudered at home and safe in the jungle?) Well, there is an explanation for that…

What I could complain about was the fact that for the 2.4 Km trail leading towards and away from the bridge, half of it was on tarmac and the other half of it was on an elevated walkway made of planks – complete with hand rails!) Is this Singapore’s understanding of nature? A cosy walk in the park? WTF? This would probably explain the lack of insects! They probably fog the place regularly.

The view from the bridge was good, but not amazing. There were none of the animals the papers reported that we could see in the trees. There were supposed to be birds, snakes et cetera. Sure, granted this was not a zoo and animals are not guaranteed, but nonetheless, it was quite a disappointment.

The experience was further marred by the fact that the school trip of CHIJ girls that came 10 minutes after us was composed of 60 girls who had no appreciation of being there. They were screaming and because of the fear of the gentle yawing of the suspension bridge and heights, they literally ran across the 250m long bridge in seconds, adding to the yawing and resulting in more screaming… sigh… seriously, there is something wrong with our education system. Why bother taking them there in the first place? Oh, and since they ran on ahead of us, I was picking up litter after them as I was walking out. Disrespectful @#$@!

But in the end, it was good to spend some time with my buddy, walking in the “jungle”, and reminiscing about the days when we were in the Scouts and were made to walk these tracks…

I’m going to sleep well tonight. Oh, look at the pretty pictures!

Subaru Impreza WRX Sti

Car Fanatics

Gavin asked me along to his Subaru club meeting last night. The club’s called Rexfactor and everyone there is passionate about their cars – the Subaru Impreza WRX (or “Rex” for short).

I went along for a few reasons. Firstly, I was curious about this whole car fanatic culture I was reading about. Secondly, Gavin was genuinely nice about asking me along, eventhough he knows I know nuts about cars. Thirdly, J, a friend of mine was brought along to her pal’s Honda Civic group meeting and that had really made me want to find out what this car crazy culture thing was about.

So we drove in Gav’s Subaru TS 1.6A (which is the entry Impreza, related only to the “Rex” because they look alike. Engine-wise, Gav’s is 95bhp, and the Rex is minimum 280bhp (without tuning). Gavin was really proud of his car. He had authentic gun-metal grey “Rex” rims, good tires, a rear spoiler that only 5 other cars had in Singapore… et cetera. But back to the meeting…

It was held in the car park at Kallang McDonald’s. We got there late and by the time we were there, there were at least 40 souped up WRXs in the parking lot. All kitted up with various bodykits, exhausts and accessories it was a sight to behold. That was only the beginning, till some of them started their engines and you hear the familiar growl that comes only with performance engines.

Okay, so there were not only Imprezas there. There were 2 Foresters, and a few Legacys. But all were welcomed all the same.

Once we started chatting with the people around, I was amazed by the amount of passion in the eyes of the car owners. They were like children in a candy store, with their eyes lighting up at every mention of a new modification or accessory and where are the best shops to get them. There were 3 women owners there too. All of them owned WRXs. The amount of lingo and technical knowledge these people had were amazing. Gavin had an animated 20 minute conversation with some others about tyres and rims et cetera. As an wannabe car enthusiast, the language baffled me and all I could do was stand in a corner and nod, and occasionally share some wit into the conversation.

Contrary to popular belief, not ALL the owners were Bengs. There were some professionals, just off from work who had rushed down to the meeting. These were the people with the most souped up and best performing cars – well, cos they had the most money to import the parts from Japan. And also contrary to belief, there was no racing. There was no point, because these people were so “in” to their cars that by looking at the engines and knowing the tuning et cetera, they knew who had the fastest car! (Well, I think its Conrad and his Spec R[A]). Although, most of the cars did do a sprint in the car-park before exiting.

Oh, Thursday night seems to be a night for car-owners to meet up. There was a Mazda club meeting in the adjacent car-park, and as Gavin and I were driving out, 20 Honda motorcycles (Super 4’s and GoldWings) vroomed vroomed out of the lot.

It was an eye-opener, but unless I read up more about cars, I’m going to resigned to being a “vase”. Haha. Just stand there and look stupid.

It Rained!

I dunno about the area you live in, but the skies opened this afternoon.

Rain is so cleansing, so life-giving, so emotive. The smell of the evaporation as it hits the hot tarmac. The drumming of the rain drops on the roof. The freshness of the air, laced with the smell of wet vegetation after it stops. So refreshing. I actually walked out into the rain when it was going full steam.... So reminscent of childhood.

Well, my family collects rain water to water the plants etc. But today, the water was black. Like what it looks like after you mop the floor or wipe you car. That's the smoke particles in the air.

Good. Air's much better now.

Tears

I walked into the kitchen last night and to my shock and horror I saw my mom bent over the sink. She was clearly upset cos her face was red and she was sniffling. Taken aback, I walked over and bent over the sink to see what was upsetting her.

What I saw... I couldn't stop myself and started tearing as well.

My mom had been chopping onions.

Post Script: It was apparent that my mom could not chop anymore onions that night. You see, she chops enough shallots for the week at once, she then fries them in oil to keep. By chopping tonnes of it at once, her hands won't smell of bawang night after night. I told her to take a break and I took over the chopping. There was a trick I learnt in Bristol, which was to leave a running tap next to the chopping board as you dice the sulphurous monsters and it takes the acid away. It works, try it!

Bad Oysters

After a bout of food poisoning from the buffet at lunch, I finally know what bad oysters taste like. Ha.

You do learn something new everyday.

Still Green...Hah!

I guess these are the only plants thriving. We need Rain. Urgh!

Life Under a Leaky Tap Ain't So Bad

Even grass, which is one of the hardiest plants have all dried up. Look at the contrast between the brown, dried up grass and the grass under a leaky tap.

Survivors?

The background is what the plants SHOULD look like alive.

You Know Its Hot When...

You are greated by apocalyptic scenes like this. This photo was taken of my local park. The plants have all withered.

Selfish

Why am I so selfish?
To get jealous when you are happy with someone else?
To sulk when you talk about him?
When you are not mine.

Why am I so selfish?
I should be happy for you.
You deserve to keep that smile on your face,
Even if its not with me.

Marriage

How do you know she’s “The One”? I was talking to my buddy Gavin today and he said something to me. He thinks that his current squeeze of one year Vanessa is “The One”. He’s like me. He doesn’t believe in dating for the sake of dating someone, or companionship for that matter. It is all secondary because the main aim is marriage.

Well of course that was scary. On a few counts. Mainly because he is young, and they have only known each other for so long. But also because I have the same thing about dating someone for marriage.

So how does one know she’s “The One”? I know people who are talking about divorce, as well as people who are going to get married. How do they know or thought they knew? Were there signs? What do those signs look like?

I’m watching a re-run of The Race to the Altar. And hey, for a reality tv show about couples competing for a getting a fully paid wedding, they don’t even know! They are fighting over the smallest things like whether the men should go into a strip club for the bachelor’s party. (Do you know what’s sadder? Like many arguments with women, it’s about the idea of going into a strip club! It hasn’t happen yet!)

Well I guess I’m putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe its because I hope the next girl I date to be “The One”. I know its silly, but I don’t think I want to put myself through heartache again.

Silly? I think so. Juvenile? Yes. But do I want it? Sadly, I hope so.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

My throat is feeling funny. The kind of itchy and scratchy feeling one gets from smoking too much. Wonder what the haze is doing to people with respiratory problems. Think I’m going out to buy those SARS masks from the pharmacy tomorrow. Would definitely look less weird than tying a wet handkerchief around my face. Oh, and would probably scare the neighbours as well. Haha. Dual purposes.

Time

I missed you today.

So I tried to close my eyes to see you.

But I couldn’t remember how you looked.

Time heals all wounds. It does. I’m getting there.

There's Something Foul in the Air

There is another reason why I'm hiding in my room tonight in the sanctuary of my air-conditioner. Besides the fact that there is a mossie outbreak in some parts of Singapore, there is also a foul smell of burning in the air. Apparently its caused not by the Indonesians this time, but due to the record number of “bush-fires” occurring in the past week. Its almost 400 cases since the year started, and mostly in the “bush” of the Tampines and the Punggol areas – which I’m caught in-between.

This amazes me on two counts. Firstly, I didn’t think that there was “bush” in those areas and secondly, four hundred? Shouldn’t someone have done something about it by now? Oh well, so now my throat is feeling scratchy and I’m having terrible leaky nose in the mornings. Hence I’m hiding.

But I wonder you know. Why would there be a mossie outbreak in the middle of the dry season? Fires I understand, but mosquitoes? It has been reported in the News last night, Changi General Hospital has had a sixfold increase in dengue fever cases in the last weeks. Better get some insect repellent tomorrow.

How to...

Ok, in my defense I'm not just putting up random pictures of girls.

Its just that Ive been trying to put photos in the middle of posts and just can't seem to figure out how to do it. And since the pretty pictures have already been uploaded, i thought i'd just leave them there.

For the greater good. Haha

Michelle Reis

Nothing to say, lazy to type. So here's another random photo of a hot chick. - Michelle Reis

Wrestling and a Revelation

Ok, so I was weak. I couldn’t bother to go downstairs. Bed and air-con was too comfortable. So I snuck a peek at the wrestling. I just realised what the draw of the Royal Rumble was.

Besides the fact that its interesting to some (and bored people) to watch 30 sweaty men slug it out in a ring. Its also a good “reset” button.

You see, wrestling in the World Wrestling Entertainment arena is made interesting by the little sub-plots that they come up with. A-Grunt wants B-Grunt’s title, or if C-Grunt spat on D-Grunt once and now they want to smack each other’s brains out.

The Royal Rumble is a free-for-all. Hence old alliances are broken and new friendships are made. Hence – a reset button.

Stupid theories I come up with when I’m bored.

P.S. Ever wonder how come sometimes they can take a chair to their face and still stand up, but other times a punch and they are out for the count? Doesn’t make sense at all.

What’s on T.V?

As I’m sitting on my bed on a Friday night, with no where to go, I start watching the television in my room. But, there are only terrestrial channels on that tele. Sure, I could go downstairs to watch cable, but its too hot and humid outside the comfort of the air-conditioned room, plus I think my estate has a severe mosquito problem. So rather than being eaten alive, I’ll settle for the four channels that Mediacorp offers.

Which led me to wonder. What was life like before we had cable? Sure, it wasn’t too long ago when we only had TCS, but I was away for those years, and by the time I came back, cable was all I knew.

So, what are my options for tonight? Well, there is Royal Rumble on Channel 5, but I’m not quite game to watch testosterone and steroid induced rage, nor sweaty men who take joy in throwing each other around. However, I do know some people who actually enjoy this theatrical performance.

Channel 8 is showing one of my favourite shows. The Romance of Three Kingdoms. Yes, the one made in China. I don’t know what I like about it. Perhaps it’s the olde Chinese that they speak (which I hardly understand and have to rely on subtitles). Maybe it’s the fact that its historically accurate (more than what we can say about most Hollywood productions). Maybe it’s the whole warrior’s chivalry and the scale of the battles (they don’t scrimp on the extras and CGI is probably more expensive than hiring 1000 farmers for the day and dressing them up in costumes).

But I’m not watching it tonight. It’s the Fall of Shu. Liu Bei is waging war against the advice of his advisors against Wu. Aiyah. And since three of the 5 Tigers are already dead. His end is near too. Sigh…

Channel U is showing some Taiwanese martial arts drama. 13^th Aunt-something. These things, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen all. Skip.

So I’m left with Channel News Asia. But I don’t feel like watching intelligent tv so late at night.

I guess I have to go down and brave the mossies then. Oh well.

Tian Gong

I was up till 1am last night participating in the annual ritual of praying to the God of Heaven, or Tian Gong. I haven't participated in it for years and I have forgotten all the fanfare that surrounded this day.

Its always on the 9th day of the Lunar New Year and Mom would always prepare offerings of sweet and dried goods, fruits et cetera. There is also always the 2 stalks of sugarcane that are tied to the sides of the gate. I'll usually chop them up and chew them for the days following the prayers, so don't be surprised if you meet up with me and I'm unable to talk. Contrary to what you might think, I have been chewing on sugarcane and not bobbing my head up and down someone's lap. Haha.

There is also the huge piles of paper offerings that as children, my brothers and I would fight over to burn. Since time memorial, men have been fascinated by fire, and I guess thats why. And so it was quite fun last night, everyone staying up late and fussing over the offerings, rituals et cetera.

Oh, and B1 and I still did fight over who was to stoke the burnt offerings. He won. Somethings never change. Haha. There is always next year.

Ugly Oranges

I have resigned myself to eating all the ugly mandarins at home first. You know why? 'Cos its still the New Year and people are still popping by the house to bai nian. And since its not nice to give them oranges with wrinkled skin, better eat them first. Haha...

So as I rummage through the ornamental wicker basket (holding all of 2 boxes of Swatow Mandarins) looking for my next prey... Mom wonders why I can't eat them top ones first - older on top mah... and I'm forced to explain to her. But she is satisfied with my explanation and lets me go on my way.

Its like some Darwinism theory, he who is ugly, gets eaten first. Oh dear, I better watch out.

Utterly Random

Just a random picture to spice up my blog. Elisha Cuthbert - Just makes you wanna commit crimes against humanity so she will spank you. Haha.

*Flick*

Local women are pretty alright. Most of them look pretty decent, and unlike Americans or Brits, they don't look like a bus.

But sometimes, the face is left wanting. But thats what plastic bags are for right? Haha.

My friend S had a better idea. She said.

"Beauty (or the lackthereof) may be resolved by the flick of a light switch."

How true. Ha.

*flick*

What Is Love?

I spent yesterday in bed. Well, technically cos I slept for most of the day. Perhaps I thought that if I didn’t get out of bed, the day would be over. Oh well.

I was wrong.

So I started reading stuff online.

LittleMissDrinkalot wrote something that really struck a chord with me. An excerpt:

"I'd thought I had gotten over you. But something got me thinking about you again. And when I saw you, it was different. I felt different. I was happy. Very happy. Just to see you."

A few bloggers were asked what they thought love was about. Interesting take on somethings. My favourite was Robert Frost's " Love is the irresistable desire to be irresistably desired." How true.

Well, I fib. I did go out to Serangoon Gardens for a drink with Ed last night. Only to be mortified as we were surrounded by same-sex couples celebrating V-Day. I kid you not. For every 2 hetero-sexual couples there last night, there must have been one pair or girl-on-girl action. No wonder we men are single in Singapore! Ha.

But the most hilarious thing was when I trotted off to 7-Eleven to get something, there was this couple who were in front of me. The chap was holding on to a magazine and he was sneaking around the cashier. As I approached him to ask him whether he was in the queue or not, I realised why. He was sneaking to buy condoms. As he pointed to a particular brand, turning over to his gal and asking, "Can or not?". The gal blushed as red as the top she was wearing and with a,"I only came in for the magazine.", she made a hasty and embarrassed exit out of 7-11.

Hilarious I tell you. But also, funnily, strangely familiar.

You know when sex is illicit. When the product finally decided is this.

After a few beers, I gave a call to my friend Monica. She's a great gal and always a joy to talk to. Finishing the converstation, I dropped off to bed. Sometimes, its just good to know I'm not alone.

In Vino Veritas

In Wine, There is Truth.

Its amazing what secrets are revealed after a few drinks. (ok, I'm lying... a lot of drinks)

Someone told me a BIG secret the other night. I was properly shocked, but now I can't help but keep thinking about it. Thats the thing about secrets. If you keep it inside, it just devours you from within.

But I want that someone to be able to confide in me, to trust me and to be able to talk to me when she needs to. Thats why I'll keep the secret for her.

Hope this all blows over soon.

Happy Valentine's Day

On this day, I'll like to wish all my faithful readers a Happy Valentines. Hope you are spending it with someone special.

The Silence of the Night

The loneliness time for a person must be those moments where you lay in bed, before drifting into sleep. Your mind goes all over the place and you can start thinking of really silly things. For an insomniac like me, these moments are especially long. But there are many ways around this problem. Well, one can make full use of the day, or exercising, with the idea that by making oneself physically tired, one drifts to sleep faster thus limiting the time when your mind wanders.

Others find it easier to keep the television or radio on, till fatigue takes over and sleep comes automatically. This method involves distracting your mind from thinking, so silly thoughts don’t appear.

Another method involves the use of comfort objects. More commonly known as busuk-busuk in Malay, this method works by comforting the soul, and providing perhaps an unconditional sense of security that familiarity gives.

Or you can try intoxicants. By numbing one’s mind through alcohol or nicotine, you just don’t think. You just want to shut off.

Sometimes, its just not the same. Its different when you have that someone special sleeping next to you. When you are not alone in bed anymore. But sometimes, situations are beyond our control.

That’s why we need to heal. We need friends and family to support us, to tell us in unspoken words that we are not alone. But then again, they can’t be around all the time. That’s when the loneliness time is when you are alone in bed.

Athena Chu

Athena Chu - I think she's gorgeous. =P

Louise

I was talking to my friend Louise on Thursday on MSN. She's from Hong Kong and we were in University together. I've always felt she looked quite a lot like Athena Chu.

Its always nice to speak to old friends. Actually, we were quite close during our first year in hall. I would bring her dinner once in awhile so she would have something to eat besides sugar on toast. It wasn't because she was broke or anything - it was just because she was too bloody lazy to step out of her room (she had a toaster) and she was addicted to ICQ (to keep in touch with all of her friends around e UK).

And so we would spend many a night sitting on the floor of her room, sharing a bottle of something and duty-free cigarettes. Ah cigarettes...

When it came towards exam time & her fags have run out, I would have her meet me on the third floor corridor to sneak a smoke (she lived on the fifth & I lived on the ground floor & so I thought lt was fair). And so it was, till she met her triad-wannabe boyfriend Kevin who got so threatened by me that he told me in no unclear terms that he'd rearrange my face if I spoke to her ever again.

This was proven at my Chinese New Year celebration. Louise & I had both been nominated to our respective student societies and we were organising a dinner together. Kevin was the ever present eager (and eagled-eyed) volunteer. You can imagine the tension. I kept my distance considering they were new together & he was so insecure, it served no purpose jeopardising their relationship. But on the night of the affair she was wearing the most georgeous black dress and I just had to go over to tell her how great she looked (and to congratulate her on the success of the night)

What happened next shocked me. Kevin and his bunch of friends at his table stood up in typical gangster fashion, with their arms akimbo and heads cocked to one side. They started cursing in Cantonese (which I don't understand) and taking off their jackets. In retrospect, the scene must have been quite hilarious to a by-stander. However, with such a collective display of territorial dominance, my feathers were ruffled and I shirked away.

We never spoke much after that. And they did break up and get together several times over the next few years, (I hear he was abusive) but then again she was in love which may have clouded her judgement.

Well, now that she is back in Hong Kong and Kevin is still in the UK (that chap has failed every year... Loser) and from what I hear, the distance has finally woke her up to what a dead end he was and she has finally ended it. Perhaps now we can make up for lost time...

But I guess it wouldn't be the same.

How Do You Know?

You know, many people often ask – when do you know you’ve fallen in love? Well, I have a bench mark, and today as I was sitting on the throne reading a very old copy of 8Days – which I believe was not thrown out because Fiona Xie was on the cover, I realised that I was not the only one with that benchmark. Apparently Jamie Yeo and Glenn Ong have the same one.

Jamie says, “ Its the little thinks. He thinks of me, like how he doesn’t mind looking terrible in photos so that I’ll look good. ”

Me? My benchmark is something like that. I know I like a gal a lot if I cannot stop thinking of her and everything I see makes me think of her. This is quite a recent discovery even to me, which I learnt whilst I was in Spain and dating T.

Everywhere I went, all I was concerned about then was whether she would like this, and whether I should get it for her. Imagine me, rummaging through the bargain bin of every Zara and Mango I walked past, resulting in loads of dirty looks from the women around me, and much to the amusement of my friends on the trip.

I was reminded of this when I was dating R, and she said she knew I loved her because I would just be walking past the DIY section of Giant in IMM and I would just see something I know she needed for her room and get it for her.

Perhaps I should take this benchmark in reverse… I think I will know when I’m over her when the day comes that I don’t think of her.

But then again, I do think of someone else. Is this cheating? Or a matter of two-timing? Sigh… I honestly don't know.

First New Year

Today was the first new year I have spent with my family in 4 years. As an aunt described it, nothing has really changed in the years I’ve not been around. Well, we still go through the same customs, like the midnight visit to the Buddhist temple in Simpang Bedok, the serving of rice wine chicken mee-suah for lunch when we congregate at the house of the eldest uncle…

However, there are subtle differences that I’ve noticed. For one, there are a lot more cousins who have recently married (missed all their weddings and haven’t even met their partners). There are definitely a lot more little ones, running around like the little monsters that they are – serving as a reminder to birth control. The uncles are watching what they are eating now, as compared to stuffing their faces with whatever kueh-kueh within reach, due to the myriad of health problems that are plaguing them. And alcohol…

You see, I’ve never been close to my cousins. Neither on my dad’s side nor on my mother’s. The reason for the dad’s side is probably because my brothers and I are the only male in our generation. Plus, as I’ve learnt today, to my shock horror, the cousins of my generation are much older than me.

But today, Lina, the pretty air-stewardess cousin of mine who pulled up in a black BMW 3 series convertible, decide to share the bottle of champagne she had in her car (well, what do you know?) a little alcohol later, it seems that we really “clicked” and by the end of the evening, we all agreed that we should have gotten to know each other better way before.

Well, she’s inviting me to her house on Sunday for a spot of dinner and wine. This may not seem much to most of you readers, but from a conservative Chinese family like mine, wine and dinner is very very progressive. Ha…

Can’t wait.

Happy Lunar New Year

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR to all!

May this year be filled with joy and laughter for you! Oh, and to all you unmarried readers out there... Good luck with getting your New Year "bonus"!

Ha...

Gavin's Little "Project"

I spent my day today with my buddy Gavin. He needed to do his Vday surprise for his girlfriend & since i had nothing to do at home, i offered to accompany him.

I'm writing this whilst sitting with him in Starbucks. He's hunched over his laptop, trying to come up with his design before 5 (cos the printers close at 7 till 16th Feb) and it got me thinking...

You know, now that I see him & the effort he's going into this "project". I'm reminded that once again I'm going to spend Valentine's alone this year. Its sad 'cos it also makes me regret not doing more for that someone special when i had the chance. We men are so typical aren't we - only regreting not cherishing when it's too late and gone. sigh... I should tell this to B1.

I wonder how TNG is going to impress her?

I was telling this to the Warden last night. He's the friend who understands me best anyway, and he's reply was that he has spent the last 47 Vdays by himself and he told me to take that into perspective. We had a good laugh after that.

Yes, perspective. Something we often lose sight of...

Blog on the Move

Nowadays instead of listening to my Creative MP3 player while I'm on the move, I take time think about stuff.

I realised that although its quite a pain to Grafitti, I'm able to write down my thoughts into my Palm m500.

Finally, a use for that machine. (which I took over from B1, since it was gathering dust in the cupboard.) So sorry if there is an increase of random rambling here.

Now, only if I have a GPRS-capable machine... like a BlackBerry... haha

08-02 1400: Thanks to mrbrown, I know its called moblogging now. Haha.

Memories

A friend recently told me that I was being very selfish. That I was spending time with her in certain places and leaving good memories of them in her mind. I suppose she meant that the next time she went to these places, I would inevitably invade her conciousness.

That got me thinking. You see, I am a victim of that as well. There are so many times I would walk into a place and my mood will just turn sour.

You see, I’ve had so many good memories of my time spent with R, and now, these good memories just hurt.

I try so hard to remember the goodness of the memory, in the hope that it will mask the pain, but it is so hard sometimes. I try to convince myself that “its better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all.” But its not easy.

I was just at NTUC with Mom this evening. Whilst looking for soft drinks for the upcoming Chinese New Year, I spied onto packets of Konnayaku Jelly placed above the soft drinks. It just brought back the memories of how R would spend time to make it for me because she knew how much I loved it, eventhough she never eats a single spoonful. (she hates the consistency).

I have made a list of things that bring back memories. Its in my Palm. I don’t know why I keep the list, or worse, even update it frequently. Don’t know. Maybe I’m just trying to hold on to something that is not there anymore.

Gotta stop now. Chest pain.

How To Know Its Over

Time for another list. How to tell when its over between the 2 of you.

1. When she starts addressing you by your first name. Or worse, by your last.
2. When the first conversation you had in weeks lasts only 15mins (on MSN) and involves only pleasantries. Then she says she has to go off to do some reading – on a Saturday afternoon at 4pm.
3. When it takes days for her to reply your smses to have a good week – or worse, no reply at all.
4. And the reply is always the same. She’s been busy.
5. When she says thank you for the small things you do, that she wouldn't have thanked you for before.
6. When your friends send word that TNG (The New Guy) has been spending nights in her room, that they had been sneaking off into the night… et cetera.
7. When your sweet innocent brother (unwittingly) sends you photos of her together with TNG.

You see, how not to think the worse of people? I think I need to know when to give up.

A Phone Call From the Warden

Another night of insomnia. You know, I would have thought that having slept only 6 hours the night before, and having swum 20 laps in the pool today I would be out like a light. But no…

Oh well, I shall take this time to pen down some thoughts.

I got a call from the Warden today. Sweet old man. Always worries for me, eventhough he’s miles away. I worry for him too. He gives of himself all the time, and neglects to be selfish and take care of himself. And since he has a variety of health problems, he really should. Sigh.

Hope he is well. Or at least gets better soon. Hard to tell if someone doesn’t tell you. That’s where we are alike, we are bottlers.

Bleach Nightmare

I woke up with quite a start this morning at 10. Sure, it sounds really late, but do take into account that insomnia keeps me up till 4 on most nights.

So why did I jump out of bed this morning? I had a nightmare about a samurai fight between me and this other guy. You know the whole thing about anime and how its too 'old' for people like me? Ha... I beg to differ.

So anyway, the fight was in the style of the anime Bleach. Well, I lost in the end, because my opponent and I were causing too much collateral damage and we decided to "take it outside". So as I was walking out of the door, in typical drama-mama fashion, he overtook me and in bullet-time, raised his sword and gave me a big slash at me.

So I was dead. But that was not what startled me out of bed. As I rubbed my eyes dreamily and took a sneak look at my watch, I felt what felt like a scar straight down my chest. Thats when I jumped.

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it was just a thread running from my blanket down my chest.

Cheh. Scare me. Cannot go back to sleep already lah. I took that as a cue to get out of bed.

Extreme Gourmet @ TKA

My brother B1 is what you will call a picky eater. However, he is quite partial to bread – well, actually he loves it. From dripping olive oil onto bruschettas to a 12-grain loaf that costs $3.00 a loaf. He loves the stuff.

In fact, he loves it so much, that he meticulously prepares 2 slices each morning to take to work. Sort of like a snack. He spreads what he wants in them, and packs it in the bags that the loafs come in. Sometimes, he doesn’t have the time to snack in the office and he takes the bread home.

This is where I take issue with this love of bread. I mean, for a picky eater, he does spread the weirdest things in between them. Last night I was feeling peckish at around 3 am and spotted such an example lying on the kitchen table.

Want to know what I mean by weird? Try banana-walnut loaf, with a slice of cheese and peanut butter.

Urgh. Next time I’ll just make instant noodles.

The Cynic in Me

Sometimes it seems easier to think the worse of someone, something or a situation. Before I met R, I was the biggest cynic in this world. I would be able to come up with some “evil” twist to anything someone did. The first question that would pop into my head would be – so whats in it for him.

That was bad, admittedly. But I did change through my relationship with her. She was the most kind person who thought the best of everyone, to the extent that we would sometimes have quarrels because I thought she was naïve and was in danger of getting herself hurt or taken advantage of.

It took a long process but after some months, I realised that I was a happier person by not thinking so much. Just take things as they appear. Of course, have the guile not to be taken advantaged off, so be street smart, but don’t go to the extent of thinking badly of someone.

However, recently I have felt that cynicism creeping back into my life. I guess its hard not to when the only thing keeping you on track was that one thing. That Big Dipper – showing you the direction to head. It gets even harder when a cynical explanation seems the most logical hypothesis to answer a question.

I must not think too much. Nor believe what I think is the answer. It was not about the material wants. It was about something else.

How do I convince myself? Its hard not to. Sigh.

A Quote from the Rench

My friend Rench had somethings to say about the post I made earlier about Faith.

Rench says:

Faith is blind because faith gives hope. Anything that assails faith assails hope. And sometimes, hope is all that some have to live on.

Hope springs eternal.

As Marx said, "Religion is the sign of the opressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of souless conditions. It is the opium of the people."

He makes a valid point doesn't he? What smart friends I have. Feel stupid around them sometimes. Haha.

Choices

Why does doing the right thing feel so wrong sometimes? when faced with a decision between 2 choices, both having equal unknowns & risks, how are we to decide which path to take? I suppose its like the crossroads between heaven & hell. So many movies have been made about alternate realities - Sliding Doors for example.

I was placed in such a predicament the yesterday. I guess in the end, my friend E may be right, no matter which path we choose, there will always be the regret or the self doubt of the "what if".

Thats why sometimes someone has to make the decision for you and you have to stick with it... I guess...

Car List

So, what to do on a quiet Friday night, with nothing to do. Watch American Idol? Eww... No way.. shudder...

Make a list! This is a list of my dream cars to have - money no object.

Supercar: Ferrari 430
Luxury Car: Bentley Continental
Small Car: Volkswagen Golf GTI or Mini Copper 'S' Works (its a toss up)
Rally Car: Ford Focus 2005 (just 'cos every Beng has a Evo or a WRX)
2 Litre Road Car: Mazda MX5 2.0 ('cos i win NFS in it)
SUV: Lexus RX300 Mark Lexington
MPV: Toyota Estima

Sure, this is but a dream. I suppose I'll settle for anything with 4 wheels and moves. But have to get my license first! Grr... Haha.

GOM

Today is one of those days which I'm in a GOM (Grumpy Old Man) mood. Can't put my finger on why, but it may be once of these reasons - or a combination of some/all. Because:

1. Orchard Road was super crowded
2. The weather was unbearably hot today
3. I'm sitting here on a Friday evening with nothing to do, but type this blog
4. Seeing the photos my dear brother sent me yesterday
5. A phone call I got last evening

Oh well, whatever the case. I'm an angry man today. Grr...

As Good As It Gets

I was watching the movie, As Good As It Gets starring Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton the other night on DVD and the movie struck a chord with me. (And its not just because it was a soppy romance movie)

In the show, Jack mistakes an anxiety attack for a heart attack, everytime Diane storms off or tells him that its all over between them.

Now I know thats what I've been getting for the past weeks. I'd always thought that it was phantom pain - u know, the type caused by psychological or neurological imbalances in the person. Now I know, its called stressed induced chest pains.

You do learn something new everyday. Oh well.

2 Heads Ain't Necessary Better

We've all heard of the old adage - that 2 heads are better than one. However as anyone who has ever done a project in school would tell you, this is only true if the 2 heads are in congruence with each other. If your group members disagree on every point, then more heads are not necessary better

i can vouch for the need for congruence. You see, we men HAVE 2 heads. And because one can be mure dominant than the other at times. This spells trouble.

Sigh, l sometimes wish l had more will power, but then, i have the resolve of a lemming.

Menace to Society

I did something really wrong today. Feel damn guilty now. Shite. Bad, bad boy... I should be wearing a sign that warns people to keep away from me.

Sigh...

I'm definately not ready. I have demons inside.