What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
-- Fred Allen
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
-- David Letterman
She is the original good time that was had by all.
-- Bette Davis
It is guaranteed to put all teeth on edge, including George Washington's, wherever they might be.
-- Vincent Canby
He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
-- Abraham Lincoln
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.
-- Charles Dickens
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.
-- W. S. Gilbert
You must come again when you have less time.
-- Walter Sickert
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down.
-- Bob Newhart
Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
Who picks your clothes -- Stevie Wonder?
-- Don Rickles
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- Winston Churchill
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
-- Dorothy Parker on Katharine Hepburn
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.
-- Peter Ustinov
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
-- Woody Allen
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
-- Mark Twain
I heard his library burned down and both books were destroyed -- and one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.
-- Robertson Davies
He has all the characteristics of a dog --- except loyalty.
-- Sam Houston
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-- Winston Churchill
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
-- Scott Adams
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3 comments:
very amusing! the cynicism was very enjoyable.
I have one insult to offer.
"Your intelligence is like that of the language Latin, once existing but no longer."
"And here I was, thinking that my words were wasted on going over your head! But you proved me wrong--it was called for... for the entertainment value to watch you struggle with it!"
and
"Where do you put all your brain power? Surely there's not enough for you to keep steady on your own two feet?"
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