1. OPENING JARS
She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. Remember that.
2. CALLING SOMEONE "SON"
Especially a cop. But even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE
"Blunt, is it? Hand it here little lady. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!"
4. GOING TO THE GARBAGE DUMP
A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -- noisy destruction.
5. DRINKING UP
Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go," and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're one tough bastard.
6. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD
In the shed, solely to stir paint with.
7. HAVING A SCAR
Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an ironing burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?" "Nah."
8. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE
When girls have been partying the night before they just moan. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grrr, what does it look like?"
9. NODDING AT COPS
A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little punks in line."
10. USING POWER TOOLS
Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a cigarette? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A BAR LATE
And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are loaded. However, the rest of the bar doesn't know that.
12. CARVING THE ROAST
And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the guys and "do you want stuffing?" to the girls. Congratulations -- you are now your dad.
13. WINKING
Turns women to putty, doesn't it?
14. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS
Ideally, hardware stores would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
15. TAKING OUT $200 FROM AN ATM
Okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll.
16. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE
Unlike girls, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Zoo Bar? No? Kudos Lounge it is then. Seven. Later man."
17. PARALLEL PARKING
Bam, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
18. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT
Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of beer. Aaaah.
19. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU
Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Nothing much. Just a brain hemorrhage".
"A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?
No comments:
Post a Comment