More Intelligent Witty Insults

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poisoned tea."
He answered, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Prime Minister Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir", said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

He had delusions of adequacy -Walter Kerr

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. -Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. -Moses Hadas

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. -Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. -Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one. -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one. -Winston Churchill, in response.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. -comedian Kip Adota

He is a self-made man and worships his creator. -John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. -Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. -Charles, Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. -Forrest Tucker

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? -Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. -Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. -Billy Wilder

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -Groucho Marx