I think insecurity is a bitch. Its feels like an evil devil that chips away at your heart, your soul...
And the worst thing is, you put it there. Or in my case, I planted the seed and nurtured it.
I fear we have gone too far down the slope to get back up again.
I am sad.
This post is meant to be cryptic.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
6 Affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they
fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
_____
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind
my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
_____
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
_____
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at
the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
_____
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
_____
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they
fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
_____
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind
my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
_____
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
_____
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at
the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
_____
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
_____
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Brain Exercise
4 criminals are caught and are to be punished. The Judge allows them to be freed if they can solve a puzzle. If they do not, they will be hung. They agreed.
The 4 criminals are lined up on some steps (shown in picture). They are all facing in the same direction. A wall separates the 4th man from the other 3.
So to summarize:
• Man 1 can see Men 2 and 3.
• Man 2 can see Man 3.
• Man 3 can see none of the others.
• Man 4 can see none of the others.
The criminals are wearing hats. They are told that there are two white hats and two black hats. The men initially don't know what colour hat they are wearing. They are told to shout out the colour of the hat that they are wearing as soon as they know for certain what colour it is.
• They are not allowed to turn round or move.
• They are not allowed to talk to each other.
• They are not allowed to take their hats off.
Who is the first person to shout out and why?
Note: There is no trick to the question, just logical deduction.
Scroll down for the solution to the puzzle...
Answer:
The man who calls out is Number 2.
Why?
After a short time, Number 1 has not shouted out what colour hat he is wearing. Because of this number 2 knows that he cannot be wearing the same colour hat as the person in front of him. If he was then number 1 would see two black hats and would therefore know that his hat must be white.
Armed with the knowledge that:
• He isn't wearing the same colour hat as the man in front.
• The man in front is wearing a black hat.
• Number two can confidently shout out that the hat he is wearing is white.
Easy, wasn't it?
Monday, September 17, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
TGIF
THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised,
answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties &
forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After
fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they
make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how
many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties,
his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties &
forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised,
answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties &
forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After
fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they
make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how
many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties,
his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties &
forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The Why's of Men - from a girl's perspective
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
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Thursday, September 06, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
New Words for 2007
New Words
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog.(Loo) If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
as a McShit with Lies.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Goosebumps
There are onlya few things that give me goosebumps...
A handwritten letter from a friend. With a recipe for ham and pea soup is one of them...
Aww...
A handwritten letter from a friend. With a recipe for ham and pea soup is one of them...
Aww...
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Empress Dowager
My soon-to-be ex secretary (who is 66) is getting more and more naggy, long-winded, irrelevant and generally grandma like.
She talks aloud about her views which I think no one bothers to listen.
Its irritating at times, but I know I must be patient with her...
Oh well... a few more days...
P.S. Look what the search for "grandma" on Yahoo turned up.
She talks aloud about her views which I think no one bothers to listen.
Its irritating at times, but I know I must be patient with her...
Oh well... a few more days...
P.S. Look what the search for "grandma" on Yahoo turned up.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Sinking Ship
The rats are leaving the sinking ship. The leaks are getting bigger now. Perhaps we were the ones plugging it previously.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Monday Blues
Super long weekend + rainy night + lots to watch on the comp + stupid job = SUPER MONDAY BLUES
Monday, August 06, 2007
Newton Warning
Went to Newton on Friday.
Ordered seafood.
Stall 66 sold us bad shellfish. Nice drinks lady says that they do it all the time. Don't eat there!
Apparently, drinks lady says best seafood is from 68 and 70.
Ordered seafood.
Stall 66 sold us bad shellfish. Nice drinks lady says that they do it all the time. Don't eat there!
Apparently, drinks lady says best seafood is from 68 and 70.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
What I Did Over the Weekend
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Was still in shock past 2 days. Hence didn't tell anyone.
Stupid taxi cut into the lane of the car infront of me. Resulting in a 4 car pile-up on the CTE. This is going to be an expensive incident. Am currently still not ready to drive. =(
Food for Thought
"She became a mother, and forgot how to be a wife."
I guess that sums up why relationships may fail. We become too pre-occupied with being the new thing, and forget the reason we got together in the first place.
Disclaimer: This is a totally random thought and is not reflective on a person, real or fictional, and definately not my life at the 'mo. =)
I guess that sums up why relationships may fail. We become too pre-occupied with being the new thing, and forget the reason we got together in the first place.
Disclaimer: This is a totally random thought and is not reflective on a person, real or fictional, and definately not my life at the 'mo. =)
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