Friday, August 29, 2008

I LOVE MY JOB


Somehow, this appealed to my warped sense of humour. Hurhur...

#$!%*&#!

I almost ran into a female Chinese cyclist today... grrr...

My car was less than 30 cm away from her bicycle, good thing she jumped off!

Cyclists should really follow the highway code and not jump out of pavements!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Note to Self

Pomelos are too messy to be eaten at my office desk. =P

Joke of the Day

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat. The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Joke of the Day

The Foul-Mouthed Customer

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

"Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

"I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account." "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Working Late...

As mentioned in an earlier post, my office hardly works late. That said, there are always a few people left past 7pm.

As I was working late yesterday, I took a stroll around the office...

And I think I spied a colleague watching pr*n on his office computer. *snigger*

Now, I have no personal issues against men watching pr*n... but the colleague is this kwai kwai man in his forties, father of 2... which was kinda surprising for me. Didn't expect him to be d'l? stuff on his office comp. =P

Monday, August 25, 2008

Kallang Roar the Movie



Watch Kallang Roar the Movie over the weekend. I have a soft spot for "based on a true story" type movies and maybe thats why I thought this movie ROCKED!

Sure, it was a low budget film, with much room for improvement in its football scenes, casting and blue screen effects, but I applaud its tremendous effort in paying tribute to Uncle Choo and the Singapore Lions. In fact, many scenes with Lim Kay Siu gave me the goosebumps - that was how "connected" I was to the film.

Yes, my friends who watched it thought it was so bad it was funny, and that the director took his creative license too far - Fandi the one who woke Rajagopal from his drunken stupor? But I disagreed. Yes, had the movie been longer, I would have liked to have more character development of the players, but with regards to the creative license, isn't it what movies are all about? That the viewers should suspend their disbelief such that the film may be made more interesting?

Anyway, I liked the movie. Might go catch it again, for all its goose-bumply glory.

No Man is Spared


Taken from CowboyCaleb

Not even David Beckham is spared from the cold shoulder when caught looking at other women. Haha!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Jokes for the Day

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

---

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver wouuld cause your car to stop an fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

---
Why Email is Like a Penis

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power.

They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior.

Later you may ask yourself, &quotWhy on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Yummy...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Blond Jokes

There was a blonde who wanted to make some money, so she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the park and grabbed a boy and pulled him behind a tree. She wrote a note that said:

I've kidnapped your son! Leave a bag of 10,000 dollars next to this tree tomorrow at 3 pm.
-Signed: A Blonde.

Then she pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his mom. She went back the next day and sure enough, there was a bag. She looked in the bag and found 10,000 dollars along with a note that said:

Here's your money, but how could you do this to a fellow blonde?

---

This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend watch the store while he runs some errands. While the owner is away in walks this brunette. She walks up to the counter and asks, "How much for that pink dildo up on the shelf?" The guy replies, "$25." She said, "I'll take it!"

A few minutes later in walks this redhead. She walks up to the counter and asks, "How much for that purple dildo up on the shelf?" The guy replies, "$50." She said, "I'll take it."

A while later this blonde walks in. Her eyes got as big as saucers. She walked up to the counter and asked, "How much for that big silver dildo on the shelf?" The guy replies, "$100." She pays him and leaves.

In walks the owner and asks how business was doing, and his friend replies, "I sold the pink dildo for $25, I sold the purple dildo for $50, and I sold your THERMOS for a $100."

---

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

---

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.
The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."

---

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking it for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was again working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all of his friends take turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "tYou don't want the usual?"

She looks at him and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Mystery Solved

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Modesty Shmodesty...

Sometimes I read the papers that I have written and I am amazed at how much bullsh*t / intelligent work I can spew.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Joke of the Day

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

What Is Your Sin?

Greed:High
 
Gluttony:Medium
 
Wrath:Medium
 
Sloth:Medium
 
Envy:High
 
Lust:Very High
 
Pride:High
 


The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

12 Lotus

Caught the movie 12 Lotus on Saturday.

I must say, Roystan Tan is a good director, with a good eye for angles and cinematics.

But I was quite disappointed in the movie to be honest. Don't get me wrong, it was not bad. Not an entire waste of time, but compared to 881, it paled in comparison.

I would have liked more songs, more glitz and of course, more of Mindee Ong. =P

Monday, August 11, 2008

Social Networking 2.0

Its official, social networking websites have taken roots in our lives.

My friend just sent his wedding invites by Facebook.

Hurhur.

Morning Express, Class 95 FM

Listening to the Morning Express makes me feel happy.

No, its not because of the "witty" banter between Glenn and FD. Not because they crack funny jokes and are a pleasure to listen to. Not because they touch on key issues and bring out good alternative viewpoints.

In all honesty, I think they fail in all criteria above.

Listening to the Morning Express makes me feel happy because from it, I am reminded that there are a lot of stoopid idiots out there.

People like Glenn and FD who are misinformed, under-read people who try to sound intelligent when they pull stuff off the newspaper for discussion. Maybe they should have an internet connection in the studio so they can google before they open their traps.

The callers who call in who cannot even get Cash for Qashqai as a simple password correct.

FYI. I listen to the station only periodically in 3 minute spurts. Anymore and I risk laughing out loud and in so doing, close my eyes. Which is highly not recommended when one is driving.