Friday, February 29, 2008

Does Your Dick Meet Your Assh*le?

Little Harry’s grandpa one day decided to take him on a fishing trip.

When they were out in the boat his grandpa took out a cigerette and little Harry asked, “Grandpa can I take a puff of your cigerette?”

Grandpa answered, “Well, Harry does your dick meet your asshole?”

Harry replied, “Well, no.”

Grandpa confirmed, “Then you ain’t getting a puff of this cigerette.”

After his grandpa was done with the cigerette, he took out a bottle of beer and Harry asked, “Grandpa can I have a sip of your beer?”

Again grandpa answered, “Nope not unless your dick meets your asshole.”

Little Harry was getting irritated, so he pulled out a bag of cookies.

Grandpa requested, “Hey Harry can I have a cookie?”

Harry asked, “Does your dick meet your asshole?”

Grandpa replied. “Well as a matter of fact it does.”

Harry said,

“Well you can go screw yourself because grandma made me these cookies.”

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Men Are Just Happier People

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE...

• Your last name stays put.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• Chocolate is just another snack.

• You can never be pregnant.

• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

• You can wear NO shirt to a water park..

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• The world is your urinal.

• You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.

• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

• Same work, more pay.

• Wrinkles add character.

• Wedding dress £2000. Morning-suit rental-£100.

• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

• One mood all the time.

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

• You know stuff about tanks.

• A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

• You can open all your own jars.

• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

• Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.

• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

• You almost never have strap problems in public!

• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

• Everything on your face stays its original colour.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You only ! have to shave your face and neck.

• You can play with toys all your life.

• One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

• You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..

• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

• No wonder men are happier.


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will calleach other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale .

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Winner of the Best Joke Competition in Britain 2007

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Monday, February 11, 2008

Sweeney Todd

I caught this film over the weekend. Contrary to most bad reviews, I thought it was a beautiful movie, with great cinematography, musical performances and stylistic sets and costumes.

Johnny Depp can really sing! Go watch it!

Oh, if you are not a friend of blood splattering gore, then give it a miss.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Harmony

With harmony in life, comes winnings at the gambling table.

I should remember that.

Happy CNY, folks!

Monday, February 04, 2008

KL Weekend

Busy today...

But had a great time with the boys in KL.

2 words to describe the trip?

STEADY LAGI!

Mwahaha... details to follow.

Friday, February 01, 2008