Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

Joke of the Day

Yoda and Obi-Wan sat down and were eating breakfast together.

Yoda went,"Dark, very dark the Other Side is...!"

Obi-Wan looked at him and said,"Shut-up and eat your toast."

Noise

Its a given but I have to say it anyways.

Empty vessels make the most noise.

Its noise because they don't add any value, and if you try to help them or reason with them, they suck you into this black hole of noise.

I don't know why I even bother.

Bah.

Difference Between Men and Women

Gong Xi Fa Cai

Happy New Year of the Golden Pig everyone!

Responsibility

Am I working hard because I'm a responsible person?

Responsible persons tend to get more work. Either because their bosses trust them more, or they take it upon themselves.

Maybe I should learn to fxxx it.

Or shouldn't I?

2 Conversations

Conversation 1:

K (who is on coy declared 1/2 day off today): Eh, are you on leave for the rest of the CNY week?

Me: Yah, but need to come in on Friday morning for a short meeting.

K: Wah, they'd better be paying you lots. Cause for me, I believe that if you are on leave, you better be on leave unless it's the apocalypse the next day.

Me: They are not paying me lots!!!! Argh!!!!

-----
Conversation 2

S: Sian, everybody is on half day, out there having fun.

Me: Nevermind lor, those who are left in the office do not have their minds at work anyway. Except me... busy busy...

S: You are always busy. I wouldn't be working as hard as you if I was only being paid what you are getting.

Me: !!!

Me: What to do, i-bankers what.

S: Yah, the difference is that i-bankers of your seniority are getting paid 3 - 4 times as much as you.

Me: ...

------

2 conversations. With 2 different friends, from 2 different countries. All serving to remind me of something, and in so doing, ruining my day. =(

Happy New Year everyone.

Celebrity Sex Quote #09

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

- Woody Allen

Torpedo Assault

Joke of the Day

This old man walks into the Federal Govt Office to apply for a job.

The HR asks him, "Are you a war veteran."

He replied, "Yes, I served in Vietnam."

HR asked,"Are you suffering from any disability?"

He replied, "Yes, I'm considered 100% disabled. During the war, I was shot in my genitals. The doctors had to remove them. The DoD declared me 100% disabled and compensated me for it. It doesn't affect me today though."

HR went on to say," Ok, so you are hired. We work from 8 - 4 everyday. You can come in at 10."

The Veteran was puzzled. If working hours are from 8, why do they ask him to come in at 10?

HR replied,"Oh, its nothing. We in the civil service come in at 8 and scratch our balls for 2 whole hours anyway, don't see the point of you coming in early cos you can't do that."

----

Haha... Sound familiar?

Celebrity Sex Quote #08

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

- Roseanne

Mondays Always Suck.

Celebrity Sex Quote #07

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

- Steve Martin

Food Tastes Like Poo-Na-Ni

I'm not sure I want to eat here. Hurhur.

Celebrity Sex Quote #06

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

- Billy Crystal

Morning Funny

Celebrity Sex Quote #05

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen

The Will to Fight

30 Things You Learn From Porn Flicks

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn’t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.

14. Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they cum.

15. If there are two of them they “high five” each other. (and the girl isn’t disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don’t exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.

19. There’s a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses love to suck patient’s cocks.

22. Men always pull out and masturbate at the end.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before joining in and fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches… or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to keep reminding her to “suck it”.

26. Assholes are always clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don’t have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.

From J's blog

Celebrity Sex Quote #04

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

- Tom Clancy

Angel Wings

AC-130 tungsten chaff flares for defence against SAMs. Very cool. I'm such a fan-boy. =P

My Mess / Work

Glossary:

1. Reminders of things to do
2. My in-tray, things I have to do
3. Stuff I might have to do, but I'm going to leave them aside due to (2) until it comes and bites me in the butt
4. My "filing" area, includes things that was done, but not filed properly yet
5. The files, love of my life
6. Things I am doing for one client
7. New clients - more things to do, woopee!

Now you have seen a peek at my life.

A Comment.

To this post about a polygamist marriage in the news.

Someone had left a reply. I thank her for her generosity in allowing us to learn a little about her life and for sharing her opinion. Read below:

"I am a wife to a poly man. There are 2 wives in our family. We are your typical surburban family, there just happens to be 2 mommies for our 5 little ones. When I first read this post by Maggie, I found it quite strange to be honest. I am not a member of the FLDS or any of the other religions that say they practice poly for God. We are Biblical Christians that see no prohibition in the Bible for poly. So, it is simply a choice. I truly feel sorry for this woman. Her husband has been brainwashed and shared his "knowledge" with his wives. While there are nutballs out there, most polygs are happy, healthy families. Period. I have enjoyed reading your comments."

But the question I beg to ask is - is this true? Is there is no prohibition for polygamy in the Bible? Can someone kindly let me know? Reference to quotes please.

Celebrity Sex Quote #03

Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen